PROPERLY PARTYING

Often times when I am out at night I find myself acting in a wasteful manner. Entire paychecks have been spent in mere hours in a drunken haze in order to further the cause achieving a meaningful night. I’ve been ‘broke off of coke’, ‘in dismay due 2 K’ and have ‘blew for joose’. These are scenarios I wish to never repeat in my life as they were all traumatic and kind of ghey. If you follow these simple rules for partying then you will never have to undergo the hardships I did in hopes of furthering your aspirations of partying successfully.

Rule 1:Never Waste Alcohol

Alcohol is expensive. If you are a true partier you live to party day after day. You strive to make consecutive appearances at all the local spots that matter. Even if you only attend a bar for five minutes, or smoke a fag and then proceed to leave (preferably with a look of utter boredom/disgust as if to say you are on your way to a more important space, even if you aren’t) you must make an appearance. The problem with this is the fact that buying alcohol at all of these locations is costly. You shouldn’t be expected to patronize all of the locations you attend, and you probably don’t. I have found the best thing to do is buy a drink at a near by liquor store and hastily drink the alcoholic beverage of your choice while you are mobile between locations.

What’s your favorite drink?


This leads me to the next obstacle when trying to conserve alcohol. What should one do if they arrive at their destination and have not yet finished drinking? There are several paths a young partier may take when posed with this dilemma:

1. Chug the beer as quickly as possible, stumble into the bar/club. (WARNING: If the club has a bouncer you may be denied entry, do not complain or send me hate mail if this happens to you, a true partier should be able to handle his or her self when drunk. Always keep your composure.)
2. Throw it out, FYI only fggts do this.
3. Give it to a friend. Aw, aren’t you nice.
4. Give it to the bouncer and/or bartender, damn you’re dummmmmm.
5. Give it to a bum.
6. Give it to a bird
7. Give it to mother earth
8. Give it to the DJ, he’d probably appreciate it, and it’d make his set +/-x better.
9. Lock it to your fixed gear, Iono how to do that yet.

Those are only okay suggestions by far the best thing to do is be creative and think like no one else. Utilize the environment around you, become one with your surroundings. If you are partying in the wilderness, then you must think like an animal. If you are partying in the sea, then you must think like a mammal of the sea. Most of us party in the city, so you must think like a minority who belongs to a brute street gang.



One of the cleverest places to hide your drink is under a construction cone. No one will think of looking underneath these inanimate objects of warning. Most ppl party at night, if you don’t u r pretty zany, so you needn’t worry about a dirty construction worker fucking with your stash, and if a drunk driver collides with your chosen cone then he or she will be startled by the sound of cracking glass. Hopefully the bottle punctures their tire and causes them to flip over, serves them right for driving reckless, and better a cone then another car. If anything, your action is not only saving you money, but countless lives as well. That’s kind of commendable.

You can trust this method, I have hid not only alcohol under construction cones but coke, condoms, sharpies, doughnuts, am appy underwear, (incase I get tugged on while dancing) and my dialysis kit underneath these orange beacons of security.

Will you try this? What other things can be utilized to save you beer money? Is this safe/morally correct?